Sign of the Times

Bottoms Up - Pass Me the Orange Juice... 

I was just visiting a fun blog A Wide Line and was checking out a bunch of moms who were out on the town to celebrate a friend getting married.  They were having fun, a bit blitzed, nothing serious.  All I could think was good lord, the last time I got all my friends together between 9 of us, we drank 12 boxes of juice and a third of  a bottle of wine.... Hmmmm.  It was a lunch, three of us were pregnant, two had recently just had kids, a couple were driving, so abstained, and only two decided to have a glass each.


Now as a bunch of former party animals this was kind of a shock and a little funny all at the same time.  I remember all of them in fairly indelicate positions.  This was all sedate and nice, the girls were on good form, but it definitely wasn't a big night out or boozy afternoon. I don't think I have been to such a clean lunch since I was about 12, and even then, the parents in attendence had most probably had a couple.


Nice that none of us missed it at all.  It was just a nice low key afternoon that could have been spent at our local chapter of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Very Funny Desperate Housewives Clip

Desperate Housewives  " Hormones" 

Elida sent me through this fabulous link from Desperate Housewives.  It is too funny.  Just had to post it.

Give Me The Cheese

Moderation - Don't Let The Experts Freak You Out

I was talking to my friend Elida yesterday.  She is 6 months pregnant, so about 2 months farther on than I am.  She said " The thing is, everyone says, oh it's so great, you can eat whatever you want, but nothing could be further from the truth."


Here is the list of all the things you aren't supposed to eat - smoked salmon ( which I eat all the time) shark, swordfish, mackerel, tile fish, tuna, shrimp, oysters, deli meats, soft cheeses, unpasteurised milk, fresh juices, anything from a salad bar in a restaurant, any unwashed fruits and vegetables, vegetable sprouts, caffeine, herbal teas and remedies, shellfish, peanuts or peanut products ( which by the way knocks out most cookies) any form of raw meat ( bye bye carpaccio) sushi, some say meat in general, dairy as it can actually suck the calcium out of your bones ( go figure), and  alcohol.


Some of these are just stupid.  Fresh Juices?  Vegetable Sprouts? Herbal Teas?  Fish ( yes I know you have to watch out for mercury levels but c'mon)  Salad ( I'm sure they wash it) and yes you should wash your fruits and vegetables, but I think this  goes overboard.


Now I actually don't feel deprived at all, because there is a very limited assortment of food that my own little alien on board will accept.  I stick mostly to fruits and vegetables, toast, pasta and seafood. This however is through circumstance.. If I had less of a picky eater free loading on my taste buds, I have a feeling things would be different.


So the other day  at a BBQ, when a very sweet and well meaning friend almost jumped across the table to stop me eating a mushroom stuffed with blue cheese I said, "It's fine, the French have been doing it for years and they aren't known for an excessive number of mutants in their population." She said , " Are you sure"  I said, "Look, I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I don't drink coffee, I don't eat many  sweets  so I am allowed this one little bit of stinky cheese in a tiny little mushroom, it's my first in four months." She smiled uneasily  and relented.


Does this annoy me?  Of course not.  She was looking out for me and wanted to ensure the food that she had prepared wouldn't poison me and sprog to be.  Everyone has been brainwashed with so many millions of things that you can't do in case you end up with a two headed version of Spiderman.  My own mother was addicted to oysters when she was pregnant with me and nothing particularly disastrous happened despite the warnings that say how terrible they are for you ( yeah, yeah, make your jokes now).


So what is truly bad?  The obvious stuff. However, my French friends all drank red wine throughout their pregnancies with no harm to their lovely kids ( obviously not to excess ) maybe a glass every couple of days.  There are studies that say an occasional glass of red is beneficial for you.  Something to do with the tannins in it and the propensity to lower blood pressure.  However, A GLASS, that is the limit.  Maybe the experts are worried that the general population is too stupid ,or to addicted to everything, to limit their imbibing behaviour to a sensible and beneficial level.


I have no idea how anyone can smoke in pregnancy. This is not from a moral perspective - this is from a physical perspective.  I  am better now, but between weeks 6 and 14, if I was 10 feet  downwind of it, it would make me violently ill. Same for the smell of alcohol on someone's breath.  My poor boyfriend once had half a beer, and I couldn't sit next to him.  He was sent upstairs to brush his teeth. Now in my second tri-mester, that has abated.


The experts give you so much to freak out about. ( I haven't  painted my nails in the last 4 months because I was told horror stories about the formaldehyde in  nail polish. )  Just do what you feel is safe, what is good for you and what your body tolerates.


Will a glass of wine be a disaster - no -  but if you polish off a bottle of wine per night, why would you be surprised if your little bumpkin had Fetal Alcohol Syndrome?  Will one little piece of stinky cheese cause you to have an alien?  No but don't eat a pack a day.  Remember with most of these tests they have probably taken some miserable little pregnant rat, drowned it in whatever substance they are testing and then said - See - that's what happens.


So there you go, I am no doctor and obviously this is not medical advice, but moderation is the key. So I'm going to do what feels right for me and have a bit of smoked salmon and stinky cheese every once in a while.

Get a Life and Get a Haircut.

Not Worth the Squeezing

 I notice weird things now that I'm pregnant. Things that I never gave much thought to before.  I was sitting on a bus the other, and saw this guy who was clearly a methaddict or something of that description.  Super skinny, probably in his mid twenties, a lot of teeth missing with a mangy looking dog, and  sitting   next to him was a sullen  little girl, who I can only assume was his daughter.


Later on that day, we had a guy come and fix our internet connection.  I think he hadn't bathed for about a week.  He was sporting a really greasy comb over, had big brown pit stains on his yellow shirt and a tummy hanging about 8 inches over his belt. Clearly from the planet Vulgaria.


While Captain Vulgaria was in the house I looked through the window across the street, and checked out our gaggle of neighbours.  We unfortunately had a bunch of houses that were left vacant for over a year by a bankrupt developer and so we  had a bunch of squatters move in ( luckily we have also just got a court order to remove them).  They play their death metal in the middle of the day.  It sounds like some poor animal is dying in a fight.   They smoke joints in the middle of the street, and sport hair cuts that look like they had an accident with a lawn mower. Their dogs are left to bark for hours and hours on end. They pay nothing for where they live, do nothing all day and devalue our houses more and more for every second they are there. They are the only people who cause a problem on our street.


All I can think when I see these people is the following:  Some poor woman carried you for nine months, went through some kind of painful labour, and quite frankly, you just weren't worth the squeezing.


Maybe that's the great thing about having a dog - it can never grow up to be a crack whore.


Riff Raff.  I salute you.  Now get a life, get a job, and get a haircut. :p

15 weeks and Sickness Be Gone ( Finally)

The Light at The End of the Tunnel

Ok Girls, there is good news!  15 weeks and my sickness has finally abated.  Break open the cranberry juice and fly some balloons.  I am celebrating today.  A 7 day vomitless stint.  My head hasn't swiveled around once, the priest is no longer trying to exorcise the demon, the toilet is no longer my best friend, my dog no longer feels sorry for me.  All is well. I am a happy hippo.  Or as Ron says ' You are My hippo'  Aww.. 

Last week I had so little energy, that I took my dog for a short walk and seriously thought I wasn't going to make it back home.  I  did half the walk that I normally do with Raffi ( poor pooch)  and had to mentally coach myself to get home.  I was thinking.  Come on, it's only 250 more metres, you can do it.  Ok 100.  Take it slow. Breathe.  It was unbelievable and really scary. My dog realised something was wrong and when I stopped, sat by my feet, looked up at me and licked my leg. 

But a couple of days ago, I felt so good, I met loads of other dog walkers and Raffi made some doggy friends. I feel like my life is returning to normal.  Yes I am still  mildly nauseous.  But I don't mind mildly  nauseous too much.  I just don't like that continual acidy lethargic sensation.  Thank God I think that is over.  

To any of you who are still going through this - trust me, I feel for you.  I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I still eat weirdly ( I had a banana, an apple and a Mango for dinner with no ability to eat anything else) but i don't mind that.  Energy is wonderful.  I am glad it is my friend again.  And so I wish it for all of you too and I am here to tell you that it will come back and I am sending it to you.  xx

Pregnancy Nesting

Get Your DIY Freak On

Ok, I have heard of this nesting urge, and I have got it bad.  You see this house above?  I found this on a real estate website and just know that it's mine.  How am I going to afford it?  No idea.  However.  This is my house.  Mine.  Miiiiiiinnnnnneeee.  I am obsessed by it.  It is beautiful and exactly what I want. I want to move in there with my pooch and my boyfriend and make it my home. My house isn't actually for sale, and we have no intention to move at the moment, but still, I know this house is meant for me. 

So many things are going through my warped preggo brain at the moment.  I want to paint my whole house, sand down the floors, buy new stuff, get rid of anything that doesn't match.  Actually i want to add a new floor to the house, and make loads of little tweaks.  My boyfriend is going away for a couple of weeks.  I have a feeling that in time yours truly will turn into a DIY monster.  I am dying to do it.  

Normally i hate cleaning anything, my boyfriend is the neat freak ( thank God) now this is changing.  I am actually starting to enjoy wiping down counters and cleaning off computer screens.  Anyone else with this disease? 

Pregnant and Braindead

Brain Slipping Out of My Ears

I don't know about you, but my brain doesn't work anymore.  To the point that I bumped into some neighbours while out walking my dog the other day.  I have never been to her house, and she has never been to mine, and she suggested that we get together for cofffee.   Lizbet said to me, " What is the number of your house.?"  I said "14". She said, "Um, Alison, I live in 14."  At which point i said " Oh god, no, sorry, 9".  How embarassing.  Pregnancy strikes again.


At other times, I will be talking and completely forget what I am saying in the middle of a sentence.  Like a thought has been pulled out of my head by some naughty imp.  Where does it go?  I now understand why the men of the 1950s thought that women were dumb, overly emotional and didn't like sex.  If you got married as a virgin and got immediately pregnant - your brain would disappear, you would cry over nothing,  and your sex drive would disappear completely.  Maybe that's where all this sexism came from. Just a thought.




But other embarrassing things I have done recently:


1) I burned a boiled egg and destroyed a pot. How you ask?  I left an egg boiling, completely forgot about it, and it was only once the smell got to me, that I realised all the water had evaporated, and the egg was black, burning and stuck to the bottom of the saucepan.  Bye bye saucepan. RIP.


2)forgotten someone's name who I have known for 20 years as I'm in the middle of a conversation with them.


3)) Repeated the same story over and over again like i'm 82. My Grandma used to do this.


4)) Stopped talking because I couldn't remember what the hell I was saying.


5)) Forgot appointments that I had made that same morning


6) Whilst talking on the phone, excused myself for a couple of seconds to answer the front door and completely forget that I left someone dangling on the end of the line. Just the way I like to make someone feel important...




Things friends have done ( I'm not the only braindead one - there's an army of us):


1) Got lost driving down their own street


2) Lost the car in the parking lot of the mall after shopping.


3) Been talking and suddenly fell asleep mid conversation


4) Bought a bunch of groceries, paid and left them at the store.


5) Left money in the cash point machine after typing in a pin number


6)  Paid all household bills twice in one month


7) Put ice lollies in the cabinet rather than in the freezer, and then realised only when they had melted and were dripping onto the countertop.


8) Misspelled  her own name on a form.

Dealing with Rude People When Pregnant

Are You Having Twins?  You're Huge!

I was just talking to a friend of mine who is about 5 months pregnant.  Now she is tiny and really cute and sweet with a normal sized bump.  Apparently some biatch  was talking to her and instead of asking her like a normal person , " So when are you due?"  she said, like she was some kind of baby measuring expert " Oh you must be due in what?  Two months?" I think some people just try to make other people feel bad.


Now, my poor friend is really nice and sweet so she just nervously laughed and said  " No, No in about four months" to the raised eyebrows of the person involved. What the F***?  So I thought it was important to prepare an arsenal of quick comebacks to shut these horrible people up.  It's difficult when you are dealing with the mean, rude, socially unacceptable or just plain annoying and stupid people who you want to hit in the back of the head with a shovel.




Comebacks:


1. If  it is a woman who is about 10 pounds overweight or a little bit chubby,who you are pretty sure is not pregnant,  say with a sweet smile,  " And so when are you due?"


2. If it is a man with a couple of extra pounds pat his belly and say  "And are you expecting twins?"


3. If it is a thin single woman who is just jealous and being bitchy "So are you still single? Your clock must be ticking"


4. If it is someone with children say in a serious tone "I think you are amazing, How do you cope with your children's  ADD"


5. Either that or carry some mace and scream "Help! Predator!" and then spray them in the eyes. Or just whack them in the head with the back of a shovel.


It will make you feel better.

Supermarkets Make Me Want to Hurl

Supermarkets Are Disgusting

What goes down must come up - or something like that.  Puke.  I was in the supermarket today.  I woke up and had this huge craving for sausages which is really weird for me considering that I didn't eat meat at all before I got pregnant.  So I went down to the supermarket.


Is it just me or are supermarkets disgusting?  I never noticed this before.  In one aisle I could literally feel the sugar seeping through the candy, feel the fizz coming out of the luminous coloured soft drinks ( how the hell did anyone ever think that drinking something flourescent would be a good idea?)   And the smell - good lord, it's a mix of everything that shouldn't be put next to each other.


But the meat?  Despite the fact I was craving it, the meat counter almost made me hurl.  I felt my breakfast banana yearning to escape the acidy pits of my stomach.  All that once writhing flesh now neatly packaged plastic and ready for consumption.  Yuck.  The only thing I liked being near was the bread section and the fruit and veg.  Everything else just looked wrong...


My breakfast however - was delicious.

Epidural or no epidural?

Drugs vs No Drugs

Now I personally think whatever is right for you, is right for you and I don't judge anyone, one way or another. Waterbirth, homebirth, natural, natural with epidural, c- section, knocked out and woken up when the kid is 18, whatever.  Everyone has their own opinion and that is right for them.   However,  I think these two videos kind of summed it up for me and my motto is No pain.... No pain... :

Natural

Epidural

Guess which one I will be doing - oh and I want gas and air too before the epidural.

Old Wives Tale Test For Gender

What's The Sex Of My Baby?

This is just for fun.  Add up all the As and Bs


1.  Are you Craving :
a) Cheese, Meat and Salty things
b) Sugar, sweets and ice cream


2. Are you having morning sickness?
a) No i feel as right as rain
b) My new best friend is the toilet bowl


3. Is your face getting
a) thinner
b) rounder


4) Is the hair on your legs growing faster
a) I think I may need a lawnmower
b) about the same


5) How is your partner?  Is he: 
a) putting on a few sympathy kilos
b) about the same as before


6) Have you had any headaches
a) I feel like a victim of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre
b) no headaches


7) Do you feel like you look more beautiful?
a) I have never felt so radiant
b) I look like I was dragged through a hedge backwards


8) Are you moodier than usual
a) No I'm pretty placid
b) What the hell did you just say to me?


9) What do you get when you add your age at the time of conception to the month  that you conceived?
a) an even number
b) an odd number


10) How are you carrying?
a) all weight out in front
b) weight across my tummy and on hips and thighs


Ok - so add them all up and if you get mostly A's you are having a boy and if you have all B's you are having a girl... well, maybe.... and if you  get half A's and half B's you are having a hermaphrodite.  Just kidding.

Psychic Dog Knows I'm Pregnant Before I Do

 Did Your Dog Know Before You Did?

I happen to have an exceptionally cuddly dog.  Really sweet and fluffy, a cross between a King Charles Cavalier and a Springer.  His name is Raffi and he is one of the loves of my life.  He follows me everywhere, up the stairs, down the stairs, into the kitchen, to the toilet, sits on the side while I am soaking in the tub,  and if I am in bed ,he wants to spoon with one paw in my hand.  I understand that for some people this is excessive, but this is life with my dog.  We do a lot together and I love my time with him.

When I got pregnant though, before I even knew myself, I noticed that Raffi, instead of laying across my legs or with his head on my feet, always wanted to be sitting with his head across my stomach.  I know they have a strong sense of smell and of hearing as well, so I wonder if he could hear the baby's heart beat before I knew I was pregnant.  

Since then, we have nicknamed him Velcro Dog.  He is like glue and very protective. As I am sure you have already read, I have had horrendous morning, noon and night sickness and sometimes I feel like he is there for moral support.  I will be violently ill, go and lay down and he is immediately next to me.  He has started to do the cutest thing.  He lies behind me when I am lying on my side and puts his head over my neck so it rests between my shoulder and my face.  It's like he's saying. "Feel Better".  I'm almost expecting him to show up with tea and biscuits.

Here is a picture of the Three of us:

Tips on Preventing Morning Sickness

Puke No More

If you are anything like me and the smallest smell, or just even getting up in the morning had you running for the White Porcelain Telephone to God, then I promise, I really feel for you.  If you are one of the lucky ones who does not have this problem, please remember that not everyone has it as easy as you do.

Now I am not quite at a hypermesis Exorcist stage and for those of you girls who are, my heart goes out to you, because I know that combatting crashing headaches that feel like an axe murderer has sliced open your noggin to extract your airheaded preggo brain, total exhaustion and throwing up morning, noon and night is no fun.  But now that I am 14 weeks I have found a few tricks that may help you.


Oh, and by the way - when a doctor or friend, or well meaning aunt cheerfully says ' Oh you are throwing up, that's a great sign'.  Don't worry if you are secretly  thought murdering them and wishing them a slow and cruel death.

1.  Eat little and often. Something bland.  Toast and crackers are good.  Keep them with you at all times.  

2.  Drink water but don't gulp it down.  Anything that you have too much of in one go could very easily come straight back up that is true of liquids as well

3.  Put crackers by your bed side.  This was a tip my friend Donna gave me and it works wonders.  Instead of waking up in the morning and within 15 minutes throwing up yellow bile, I kept crackers by my bed and ate one literally the second i woke up - it counter acts the acid that has been building up in your system over night.

4. Apples - I don't know if this works for anyone else, but it works for me.  I find that if I eat apples all day I am less likely to be sick.

5.  Ginger tea or ginger ale.  Now the tea works for me but  I don't like ginger ale.  I know that some people swear by it.   Chamomile also works and I prefer it.  Any form of caffeine makes me instantly sick.

6.  Make soup from only a stock cube. If you feel you need something salty but need something liquid this settles my stomach right down.

7. Peppermint oil rubbed around your belly button.  It is absorbed through your skin.  I have not personally tried this but some say it works wonders.

8. Accupuncture - apparently this works for some women. 

9. B6  - If you are looking for a supplement vitamin B6 is suggested by many doctors

10.  Dramamine - Ask your doctor if he is alright with this, but Dramamine works. It is also Over the Counter.

11. Zofran and Diclectin - by prescription only.  

Good luck ladies!  I hope this helps.  Any other suggestions please add them in the comments section. xxx

Pregnant Scary Trippy Dreams

Scary Trippy Dreams

    Now I know they saw that when you are pregnant you get really trippy dreams.  Well I have been having my fair share of them and they play like movies through my head.  Last night  I dreamt that i was driving  one of those monster trucks into a small town to drop off a package at Fed Ex.  I remember that by the side of the rode all the girls were in perfect little pristine dresses and the boys were all in slacks and sweaters with a shirt and tie underneath. All the grass on the lawns in front of the houses was perfectly manicured and the houses all freshly painted.  I drove further and found my building and went to drop off the package. When I came back I realised that the parking lot   had been blockaded.  I thought it was weird and a woman came up to me and said that they wouldn't open the gates until the next morning so I should follow her to find someone who could open it.  I followed her but then she disappeared into thin air.  I wandered around a bit until I found a place to rent a car.  When I walked into the car rental place there was this overly smiley shiney happy balding man who was making all sorts of excuses why I couldn't rent a car.  Apparently they had no cars left despite the fact that the parking lot was full of them and we were in a tiny town. He suggested I found the local B and B and come back the following morning. 

    Once I got outside a good looking guy came up to me.  I instantly didn't trust him.  He looked sly, playerish and I wasn't sure what he wanted.  He said to me, "Once you come to this town, you are never allowed to leave"  I walked past him thinking he was crazy.  He grabbed me arm and said " I have been here for four years. Let me guess, they told you to go to the B and B.  You will never come back if you step foot across the threshhold.  You will be trapped here."  

I pulled my arm away and said to him " I just need to get to my truck"  

He said " I bet it's not there."

I said " of course it's there"

He said " wanna check"  So we walked to the car park and it was gone.  

He looked at me and said " Do you have your keys"  I checked my pockets and they were gone.  I didn't know what to think or who to believe.  Did he steal them from me? Did the woman?  Everything he said had been true.  "I think it must have been impounded.  I'll get it tomorrow"

   He said " You can not go to the B and B.  Tomorrow, you have to make them believe that you want to be here forever, or they will never let you leave."  

    So we came up with this story that I loved the town, wanted to buy a house here and also wanted to bring a couple of friends to the town but I needed a car to meet them because I thought mine had been impounded. I would come back to get it. I had to tell them this at the car rental place.  After I told my story, the guy made a phone call at the reception desk, my wish was granted, I got my car and realised I was being followed by someone else.  I was totally paranoid.  Afraid they were taping every word I said in a secret microphone.  

That was when I woke up. 

What the hell does that mean?  Extreme paranoia?  I think I'm going mad. 

Booking an NHS Hospital

                    Conversation with Herr Bureaucrat at Chelsea und Westminster. Achtung!

I needed to book a hospital to secure a place for a baby I am having in London in November. I needed to speak to one of the bureaucrats in the hospital so this is how the conversation went:


Me:  Hello I would like to book myself in to have a baby in November.  I am 13 and a half weeks pregnant and would like to go to the Chelsea and Westminster Hospital.   I am currently away in the Netherlands until October  and returning when I am 8 months pregnant to be around all my family and friends, so all my antenatal care will actually be done abroad.  However I just would like to secure a place in your hospital for around the middle of November. I am a British citizen and I am in your catchment area.


Bureaucrat:  That's impossible.


Me: What?


Bureaucrat:  It can't be done.


Me:  Please will you explain why this is a problem?


Bureaucrat:  You have to be under the antenatal care of the hospital to guarantee a place.


Me:  But I'm not in the country and all of that is being taken care of  in the Netherlands.  The scans were done on Harley street in the Fetal Medicine Centre which is internationally respected, and the blood tests were taken by a GP in Holland and processed in a lab.  I can send the results to the hospital.


Bureaucrat:  Nope they will have to do their own tests when you come back.


Me:  But I'll be 8 months pregnant  and the tests on the NHS aren't as comprehensive as the private ones I have already had. Why would I have unncessary tests done?


Bureaucrat:   It is our procedure. But we will probably take you.


Me. So you might take me and you might not.  Great. Bureaucracy strikes again. And if you  don't


Bureaucrat:  Well you might be able to go to St. George's.


________________________________________________________


So is it just me or are these people complete idiots?

Travel Lust

Thoughts of Italy 

I am so glad that I had about 10 years of solid travel before I decided to get pregnant.  I always knew that having a baby would change everything, however I never expected that those major changes would come within the first trimester before our little sproglett made an entrance into the world.  I am too exhausted to travel.  Today, mother's day in the Netherlands, I was able to be conversational for five hours before having to lie down and sleep for six.  Not very impressive.


A friend of mine came over for tea yesterday and was raving about her trip to Genoa.  She looked relaxed, properly fed with goodness and happy.  She told me how beautiful it  was and how charming the surrounding area including CinqueTerra was.  I have terrible travel lust having lived now in 12 countries and having extensively travelled through around 40 or so.  But Italy has always held a place in my heart.  I actually considered moving there many years ago. So now I am tempted to go to Genoa, somewhere new for me, even for a short break, eat good food, lie on the beaches and wander around the numerous castles that are scattered throughout the area.  I mean really, who wouldn't want to go to a place that looks like this:

I am more of a southern Italian lover than a northern Italian lover, with the exception of Venice which is mystical magical and wonderful ( except for in the heat of the summer when it reaks and has an excessive number of tourists) .  Rome has a feel of subdued excitemnt, sex, history and grandeur.  Did you know that there is a city ordinance that controls the colour that one can paint a house or building in Rome?  That is why the whole city glows and has such a beautiful radiance as compared to it's stark dull cousin Milan.  What a miserable cold place.


Sicily is another favourite of mine.  The people are so warm and welcoming.  The firey volcano as backdrop when you are in Taormina standing in the Greek amphi theatre adds to the thrill of being there.  There is always the feeling in Italy of mortality, the reality of life and death and it somehow always makes me feel more alive, more whole.  Mount Etna erupted three times in April it's cousins nearby are the very active Mt Stomboli ( yes, like the baddie in Pinocchio)and dormant MtVesuvius.  Here is a picture of Mt Etna with indigestion....

Not Fake, Just Pregnant

Torpedo Central

I went out in town this morning in my little neighborhood of Haarlem.  I haven't gone shopping yet for maternity clothes.  I'm only 13 and a half weeks pregnant.   None of my bras fit me and most of my clothes don't either.  I can't get anything over these bazookas.   I'm not showing yet so the only bumps I have are twins on my chest which are rapidly turning into Everest sized mountains.  Now I was never small - I am naturally about an E cup, but now, it's  ridiculous.  Anyone who thought I looked fake before pregnancy  will definitely think I am doing something very dodgy career-wise now.  I can only fit into my wrap dresses because they are adjustable.


All I can tell you is I got the strangest reception from everyone today.  From cashiers at the local department store  to women on the street.  One woman was so mesmerized she couldn't get her head around putting an item I had purchased for my mother-in-law  into a bag.  I had to ask her several times.  She faffed around and then finally pulled out a plastic sack and blushed.  She avoided eye contact, she literally didn't know where to look. It was like I'd shown up in a thong and stripper heels.


When we were out to breakfast to read the newspapers and munch on some yummy bagels at my local Bagels and Beans cafe, I could feel eyes on me.  I turned around to see the stares of two young women   talking about the boob job across the aisle.   The boob job apparently was yours truly.   I  feel like I need a plaque saying  'Not fake, just pregnant'.  Suddenly I am yearning for a tummy bump so I have an excuse for the size of my chest. My partner  thinks I should be flattered.  I'm not.  I'm just annoyed. Especially when these inflata - breasts growing bigger and bigger with dairy goodness (or maybe just chocolate and ice cream) do not seem to want to stop.  I think they may run for congress without me.  God knows no one would notice with the amount of boobs already in office.


My friend Donna knows a girl who ended up as a size K.  I didn't even know they made bras that big. They must look like pieces of industrial equipment.  That is circus freak size.  God help me.

Pregnancy sucks

PREGNANCY SUCKS  

When I was a little girl,  I  was asked by the teacher the following question:  " In the year 2000 you will be 26 years old.  What will you be doing."  And I said.  " I will be married and have a baby."


I thought I would get married on my back lawn by a guy who swept me off my feet, that my parents would be married forever, and I would probably live in the town that I grew up in and live happily ever after with perfect love.


Well now, 12 countries later, parents divorced,  I'm not married but in a serious long term partnership and pregnant at 38 with my first child. I guess all I can say is life isn't what I had planned as a 6 year old from a small town.


Fast forward 32 years to me now at 13 and a half weeks pregnant and all I can say is :  What the hell was I thinking?  I hate being pregnant.  No one tells you that you are going to hit 6 weeks pregnant and be so tired you feel like you can't walk down the street without taking a snooze.  That your boobs are going to make you look like some kind of porn star and that they will HURT.  Also that your partner is going to want to have a good squeeze, and all you can say is ' If you touch them, I swear I will kill you.'   Your sex drive will disappear as the acid creeps up your esophagus for weeks on end.  It will be there at night when you go to sleep, and first thing in the morning when you wake up. 


Throwing up 8 times a day is also another delight.   I remember hearing the term 'morning sickness' and I thought it almost sounded cute. There is nothing cute about it.  There have been mornings where I forgot to put crackers by my bed the night before.  If I don't literally eat something the second I wake up within 15 minutes I will be vomitting yellow bile.  Do you cry when you throw up?  It still brings tears to my eyes.  Luckily though, unlike when I was six, I don't get my hair in it anymore. Also if I hear one more person say - Oh you are being sick - that's a really good sign - i swear I will hit them in the face with a mallet.


The cravings are bizarre.  I only ate fish and didn't eat meat before.  Now I will sit bolt up in  bed and think, 'I need Guacamole Chicken Tacos' .  So, I'll get up, march down to the super market, get the ingredients, come home, cook them, and then  not be able to eat them  because the smell of them makes me sick.


Oh and smell.  Let's hope that your partner doesn't have a good sense of it .  Get a dog so you can blame your racid farts on it.   My poor pooch is unfairly lumbered with this accusation all the time.  I don't know whose are worse, mine or his, and he used to be known as napalm arse.


My sense of smell, however,  is now incredible.  My own deodarant made me vomit one day.  And you do crazy things as a result of it.  My boyfriend who had recently quit smoking came home one day, and I said with hands on my hips  " Ron, have you been smoking again'  he said "No".  I went up to him and sniffed his neck and fingers like a Rottweiler( or crazy person - your choice) .  And then I realised that the back of his head smelled of it.  I said 'How can it be nowhere on your body but  on your hair."  He said " Oh my God Alison, I was at the mechanics and one of the guys there was smoking behind  me."    Ah.


I am told that everything gets better in the second trimester.  I hope to god it's true.