Obese People, I Salute You

Obese People, I Salute You

Ok, so what do you get when you cross a hippo with an elephant and make it waddle like a penguin?.......... Me. 

I am 24 weeks pregnant and am really not loving being this fat.  Getting out of the bathtub is a particular delight.  I make sounds like this  Uuuuuuuungh.  Waddling through department stores and feeling the little heart beats in my toes is no picnic.  I am bored of being out of breath because I just rolled up to the deli counter to get a sandwich.  

I now look at fat people everywhere and wonder how the hell they do it.  Their feet must kill them and their backs must hurt.  Mine do.   It's really uncomfortable being this large.  You sweat more because it takes a ton of effort just to move around.   When your thighs rub together as you walk like a penguin it's no fun.  I feel like one of those Russian dolls that has a whole bunch of other little russian dolls inside. Well, I have one anyway...

So give the morbidly obese a little bit of respect and say a prayer for them as they order their third Big Mac of the day or knock back a litre of chocolate milk,  because every time they stand up and walk to the fridge it's like a gym work out.  It's knackering being massive.

Things that go Bump in the Night

 Bump that goes Bump in the Night

 I almost 24 weeks pregnant, 16 more to go, and I can't wait until it's over.  I am now a massive eater.  I went from eating like a normal person at 20 weeks to a rabid carnivore at 24 weeks (I used to be mostly veggie).  But, the more meat I eat, the more heartburn I get,  so vegetable hunting I will go, and it's easier, veggies don't run as fast and are easier to catch.

As for my Bump he is wriggling a lot, moving around, doing judo practice and jumping jacks. He likes to say goodnight and has an entire calesthenics routine to show off with.  I have insane back pain to the point that I can't roll over in bed without lightening shooting down my spine to my legs. The physio is very nice but pretty ineffectual, that seems to go for most of the people I meet in relation to pregnancy here though.  The midwives here in the Netherlands are the same and do precisely nothing. They literally take your blood pressure, weigh you, squish your stomach a couple of times and push you out the door.  No routine blood tests, urine tests, to measure protein, sugar and dehydration nothing.  So they are pretty much useless.  I have no idea what they are paid to do other than smile and squish.  

If you are in the same position as me, and have ineffectual health care providers, you can ordered your own dip sticks yourself - 100 for 8 pounds ( 14$)  from Amazon.  Thank God I ordered some, I found out  I was really dehydrated.  I thought I was drinking enough... clearly not.  It would have been helpful if I had known this before because I have only recently had a kidney infection and I really don't need another one. 


I have friends who keep on saying they  miss being pregnant.  I definitely will not have that problem.  What is fun about it?

Nesting - Creativity Takes Over

Making Dresses for the Girls

I had my step daughters here for a few weeks and thought I'd do some fun little projects with them.  So, with trips to the library, walks in the woods with the dog, and games being played, I thought we'd do something a bit more creative and out came the sewing machine.  Milla wanted to stay with Papa, and  Emma needed a bit of one-on-one time, so we made a little adventure out of it, and went to Anne and Max Cafe for iced tea and cake and then on to the Fabric Shop. 

She did make me laugh, all little kids like soft things or really sparkly things, so after touching the velour on the way in and saying ''Oooh I love this", like a little magpie she went up to this shiny ( think tinfoil) polyester/ lamee  ( I know I spelled it wrong I just can't figure out how the accent works on this keyboard), and said 'Ooooh, this is what I want to make my dress out of.'   She was really insistent so,I said, "oh sweetie, we can't use that, it's for... um.... couches."  The things we tell kids... I then tried to picture the most gaudy couch ever from Liberachi hell.. 

However all is well and we ended up with a couple of simple stretch cottons and Emma found a simple rayon material that had a cute flower design all over it. Then she found some lace she wanted to add to it and off we went.  She loved watching the fabric being cut out and then said to me, " I want to learn everything from you because I want to be a designer." Too cute.. However I think she may have picked the wrong person as these are the first two dresses I have ever made, and other than slip covers, and a couple of little bits and pieces, I am a total rookie. 


We got home and I took a couple of their old dresses and pinned them to the material and cut around them.  Doing the seams I really wished that I had an overlocker, but never mind, it just took longer than it would have otherwise.  The girls liked being measured, I think they found it special to watch something made for them that they could help to design themselves.  Milla wanted a short dress, which actually came out a bit shorter than expected (whoops)  and Emma wanted a longer one. 


So after a day's work, two dresses and two matching headbands were complete.  I took a couple of pictures of them, and with huge grins on their faces they posed for me.  Milla started leaping around and posing, so I got a couple of cute shots, until the theme tune of Dora The Explorer played and then off they went to hear all about the baby jaguar who had to find a mountain.  Or something like that.

Milla is now saying that she wants to wear the dress every day.  I said, " If you wear the same dress every day, you will be known as stinky Milla."  she said, " We can wash it" I said, "Ok, but then you will be known as polka dotted Milla, and like batman  no one will recognise you without your polka dots on." She didn't seem to mind, and shrugged her shoulders.  So for the last three days she has worn it every day and it has been washed every night... haha.  

Here is a blanket that I knitted as well. My dog and the kids commandeer it most of the time.   I actually strongly recommend that you don't knit a blanket because it takes forever...

How Not To Be An Idiot Around Pregnant People

Weird Things People Say and Do When You Are Pregnant

The other day I was at a get together, and an older woman was there whom I have met a couple of times before.  She asked me if I was pregnant.  I said I was.  She asked me if it was a boy or a girl, I said it was a boy and she said... wait for it..... "In the Netherlands we say that if you are having a boy your husband is a lazy lover."  And then gave a little smile.  This was her only comment. What the HELL.

Now luckily I didn't say it, but while I smiled at her, wishing her instant death and for the ground to open up and aliens to come out, ripping the flesh off her body and consuming huge chunks while she watched in horror still alive, before finally slaying her with a double aged serrated blade covered in a mixture of itching powder and poison, and  dragging her soul down to an eternal hell, I thought "Funny that, in the UK we just say congratulations."  Insulting old cow.

Now I posted this on my facebook page and had a lot of friends comment to say how weird and rude this was, but a couple of them said that they had similar experiences.

One friend who has four really cute little boys, had a woman say to her when she announced she was pregnant with her fourth boy, "God bless you,"  like it was some kind of curse to have boys, and then looked at her in a pitying way.  Nice one.  Way to make someone feel good. 

Another said, "So you are about five months pregnant?"  my friend said yes.  The woman said, " Oh I know someone who just miscarried at five months."  What a twit. 

Another had a random strangers come up and ask to rub her belly ( maybe she  thought a genie would come out and she would get three wishes).  Christine just said, " I'm not pregnant, I'm just fat, so no you can't." hahahaha.   

She said to me, "The thing is, why do total strangers think it is ok to go up to someone they have never seen before and grab their stomachs.  If it was the other way around and I grabbed someone's non-pregnant belly, they would call the cops for assault and harrassment. "

So when dealing with a really hormonal pregnant woman who is probably more than a little sensitive.  If you don't know her - don't assume that her bump is public property, and if you do know her, ask first.  It's really inappropriate to grab people's body parts without their consent. That's what molesters do. 

Also, don't say loads of crass, stupid things.  Be polite or leave the room.  People are idiots, and I have come to expect that.  Don't be one of them.

Rescued By The IKEA Angel In MDF Hell

WARNING: PLEASE MIND THE BUMP

I did the dumbest thing I have done in a while today.  I thought, I need a fan, some cloth napkins, egg cups, and a couple of bowls,  so I know what I will do.  We have one close to us, so I will go to IKEA.  Muppet.


What the hell was I thinking? Normally I'm pretty much allergic to the place. I really haven't been into an IKEA for years. I forgot that you had to be a marathon runner to get through it.  I don't know if they are all the same, but I think they are, in that there is only one exit, and you have to walk past miles and miles of MDF hell before you get to the cash registers at the other end. Oh, and by the way, guess what IKEA doesn't sell... a fan, cloth napkins and egg cups.


So after bumbling ( I no longer walk) through the entire store to get to the promised land,  the cash registers,  (signal angels and pearly gates now), and picking up a bunch of stuff I had no intention of buying in the first place: three pot plants, plates, bowls and huge rug, I then realised that one of the plates I had bought was chipped, so I thought, I'll go back and get another one, forgetting that the plates were in the middle of the store about 200 miles away from where I was standing.  I turned around to go back, walked in circles a  couple of times past the rug section, and finally after finding two sales assistants who sent me off on a wild goose chase, found a nice one who knew the store. 


I said 'I need to find the dinnerware section, two of your colleagues have sent me in the wrong direction, I'm really pregnant, I'm really tired and I can't go in a circle again.' She was so sweet and said, 'I get it.  I've done it twice, and being pregnant is no time to be in IKEA.  I'll take you to the section you need to go to.'


At that moment I think I fell in love with her.  My short dumpy, slightly butch, IKEA saviour. 


She delivered me like a guardian angel back to the cash registers,  I bought my set of crappy plates, cute plants, enormous rug,  and made it home.  Phew.  Very happy to be curled up with my little dog.  


I do take my hat off to IKEA though - they understand the meaning of Captive Audience, and know that after 2 hours of walking through a jungle of crap that you are likely to buy something just so your trip wasn't a total waste.

Kids Who Poo Money

Abracadabra! And Now For My Next Trick.

My step daughter Emma is here for three weeks and she and her dad were upstairs playing.  All of a sudden I hear Thump!  Followed By Ahhhhh!and then both Ron and Emma marching downstairs.   Ron looked a bit panicked and Emma was crying.  Emma came, wrapped herself around me and sobbed.  I looked at them and said 'What's happened? '  He said, 'Emma swallowed a Euro and I think it's stuck.. It's hurting her throat.'  Emma was pretty hysterical by this point in time and  I said, 'Ok, if it still hurts we'll take you down to the hospital, but just so you know, I'm not worried and I think that it's going to come out by itself.' Realising she wasn't going to die she calmed down a bit and clung on to me.


Down to the hospital we went, Ron driving a little faster than normal and hitting the bumps, which in turn hit my little wriggling bump and made it squirm even more. 


I said 'Emma, out of curiosity, how on earth did you swallow a coin'.  It turns out that Papa was doing magic tricks, hiding the coin and then pulling it out from behind her ear and doing basic slight of hand stuff, and then Emma decided that she wanted to be a magician too and to make a coin disappear, so she put it in her mouth, lost her footing, fell over backwards and swallowed it. Haha. "Well", I said, " You succeeded, you are a magician and you made it disappear."


We went to the hospital they gave her some slimey custard and some liquid that looked thick like cough syrup and it slithered its way out of her esophagus and is now being cleaned by the hydrochloric acid in her stomach.  We are waiting to see the new and improved Euro soon.

We official now have the only kid who poos money.  I wish I could....