Tuesday, 5 June 2012

Sense of Humour Failure

Bullshit Free Zone

This is probably going to get a little graphic - so if that bothers you, look away now.  Otherwise enjoy the rant...or don't... whatever.   I have always more or less spoken my mind, but  I am 17 weeks pregnant now, and  find with the increasing hormones  it becomes  harder to button my lip. I now have no tolerance for bullshit, even less than before.

I have  lived here for six months. It is possible that I have just had extremely bad luck and met entirely the wrong bunch of people, but so far, of the 12 countries I have lived in, it comes number 11 on my list, and only because the inhabitants of number 12 may as well have had two heads, gills and lived in a swamp. They looked a bit like this:

This is what happens when you get the hots for your brother.

 So what really irks me?  The general lack of social etiquette, widespread rudeness, insane busy -body-ness, and total lack of service. I have literally watched two overweight 45 year old men rub stomachs in the middle of a door way coming out of V and D ( the local department store) because neither one could muster the common courtesy of letting one go through first, and sparing that 10 seconds of their lives. Either that or it's how they get their rocks off...

 I have seen both pregnant and old people pushed aside by someone who decided that they needed to get to somewhere those few seconds faster, without any thought that the old person nudged may be frail or the  pregnant lady easily put off balance. Like getting a specific piece of cheese at a deli counter was reason enough for grandma to loose her false teeth. Nice. This is what she looks like now:

Give me my teeth back biach

When a friend of mine today accidentally broke a glass at the table of a cafe, and we alerted the waiter, the waiter got bored in the middle of cleaning said with a big dramatic sigh,, "That's good enough.  I have too much to do", despite the fact that there were still loads of  pointy glass shards all over the floor.  We said 'dude - that's going to impale someone's foot'  No dice and No Service.   He didn't care.  So  we ended up doing his job for him. What a whiney little prick.

And finally, a friend's nosey intrusive neighbour had her lawyer send a letter to the town hall trying to get the planning permission rejected to upgrade a kitchen.  The town hall investigated the mater and it was subsequently dismissed. Luckily.  God forbid anyone should have something nicer than someone else. Jealous, spiteful old cow.

Even the dogs are the meanest dogs I have ever come across here, because no one can be bothered to socialise them properly.  You have those annoying little fluffy rats that howl and bark at any dog who comes anywhere near them.  

Sometimes I think if they got rabies and started frothing at the mouth they'd have nicer personalities.  What do they say?  Like dog like Owner? Exactly. Oh - and if your dog is fat - you aren't getting enough exercise.  Put on your tennis shoes Porky, walking around the block isn't enough and maybe why your dog is so mean.

If your dog is fat, you are probably a porker.

Now normally, unless it's so glaringly ridiculous or  unless it's about the well-being of a child ( in which case I can really go off on one) ,  I am able to bite my lip and thank God none of my friends are like that, but at the moment, when something happens I can feel the ire rising and words forcing themselves out of my mouth.  I have a razor sharp tongue.

Unfortunately people here seem to think that 'honesty' is the best policy.  What they haven't learned is the difference between assertion and aggression. You can say what you want, and get your point across, but it needs a filter.   It would be nice if people on the street learned how to crack a smile, but their faces might break.  But if honesty is wanted and that's the way to be Dutch...

Screw it, let's have a go... 

To the old bat who on her first meeting with me, before she even knew my name, asked if I was the cause of my boyfriend and his ex's split.  NO.  Thanks for asking if I was a home wrecker though..  Oh and also - Thanks for saying on the second meeting that You Don't Approve of my relationship simply because it was long distance for two years.  It's none of your business and your opinion counts for less than crap with  me.

To the girl who tried to set up my boyfriend with one of her friends after we had been together for two years.  In case you haven't noticed it is not appropriate to try to set up people with already married/ committed individuals.  Why don't you try educating yourself  or are you just a madam with a bunch of ageing desperate women to pimp out? I don't know who was more aghast - Ron or me.

And to the girl, who in front of 40 people, said that she wished that my boyfriend was the father of her children, and the next morning after the party while hungover, said that  I looked better drunk than sober.  You can go and screw yourself.  You know who you are. And no, Ron's ex- girlfriends aren't jealous of you, as apparently you have said to quite a few people.  The reason the three of us, over a 20 year time period,  have a problem with you is because you are an ugly little troll who has no boundaries and you have been trying to get your claws unsuccessfully into him for years.  

Stop your selfish antics. He is taken and never chose you. Ever.  Fact.  Normally people who are ugly on the outside are pretty on the inside because there has to be a balance somewhere.  Ever wonder why you are 41 and single?  Now you know. Any questions? By the way - fabulous performance in Lord of the Rings as Lead Ork.

To the people who think it's ok to smoke joints on the beach in front of other people's kids.  You are a bunch of barbarians.  Go back to whatever white trash cesspool you came from.

I have never encountered such fake 'spirituality'.   No, angels are not talking to you in your sleep - get off the drugs.  The flakiness is unbelievable, it's naive and false.  You're not 'alternative', you are either covering up some massive insecurity or trying to be interesting. Epic Fail. The - I'm so serene and talk to tree fairies - is nonsense.   I could throw up.... and at the moment, do, on a regular basis, so steer clear unless you want your own private viewing of the Exorcist girl.

If I hear one more woman in her thirties go on about how spiritual they are when they are using it as a thin and fairly crappy rouse to try and get into some married guys trousers, I am going to smack them in the face with a chair. We unbelievably know of one relationship that was broken up this way. Disgusting. And the thing that's so weird, is this particular individual looks like a transexual and is bat shit crazy, while the now ex was quite beautiful.  So odd.

On a footpath where bikes aren't allowed and dogs are, don't yell at me to put my dog on a leash when he is legal and you are not.  Next one who does it gets pushed into the canal to visit the hissing swans.  To owners who can't be bothered to clear up after their dogs - I hope you fall face first into a great big steaming pile of it.

Ooooh.  That felt better. The one great thing about this is I now realise how awesome my real friends are and how awesome London is.  God I miss them, one day we will be back... hopefully sooner rather than later.


  1. i miss you!!!!

    hahaha, having a wee bit of an angry day over there? :)

  2. Yeah you're not kidding... unfortunately this is more of an ongoing thing here... but hopefully things will eventually change... I just need to find the expats.

    Write to me on Facebook - when are you coming over. xx

  3. Haha this made me laugh! The Dutch aren't known for their good manners :-)

    ...and my dutch hubbie enjoyed the post too :-)

  4. hahahaa, you go girl!

  5. LS! Bush taught us not to apologize for anything, so people will give up trying to tell you that you made a mistake. Maybe a seemingly impossible combination, I am Dutch as well as polite. Unfortunately I probably am stuck in my country until I die of old age. I do wish things were different, and that I could say sorry for your sad experience in my country. Sorry anyway.